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AOL Jokes
Is It Male or Female?
The glass is half full
Why Engineers Don't Write Cook Books
How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale
Dinner Guests
The Pope At The Wheel
Windows XP CD-ROM
Middle Age
Teenagers & Cats
The Cats' Bill of Rights
Why it's nice to be a dog...
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy
The 12 Days of Catmas
Cat Laws
Cooking Terms
Rules For Parking
401 Error Message
Stephen Harper Joke
Bumper Stickers

Is It Male or Female?
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just
opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the
hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable
and retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when
the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when
the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in,
but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over
the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men
pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

The glass is half full
I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and
pessimism that is determined by whther you think the glass is
half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody
leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.

The glass is half full.

The glass is half empty.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

Basic programmers:
No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.

Bill Gates:
Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

C Programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

What makes you think that's milk?

National news media:
Hey, we wanted OJ!

Non-procedural language programmers:
I drank it when nobody was looking.

We know what it really is.

Here is a glass just sitting here. Why? Who put it here?

Pascal programmers:
Well, what type of milk is it?

Pentium users:
I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.

Prolog programmers:
I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.

Copy protection crazies:
Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

If we worship it, it will feel better.

How come HIS glass is bigger than MINE?

Free Software Foundation:
That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.

Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is
good for you.

In a decent world, this glass would be filled to the brim and big
enough for everyone to enjoy.

Thanks for getting your milk witholding correct this year.

Mac users:
Where's my pump?


That stupid cat got into the milk again!

Security consultant:
Where'd the rest of the milk go?

Shareware game author:
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

UI designers:
What's that crap in my glass?

UNIX users:
Nahh . . . too easy.

Windows users:
Where's my straw?

Why Engineers Don't Write Cook Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies

1) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5) 177.45 cm3 crystaline C12H22O11
6) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8) Two calcium carbonate encapsulated avian albumin coated protien
9) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall
heat transfer coefficient of about 100 BTU/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients
one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor
vessel with a radical flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add
ingredients four, five, six and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes
of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add
ingredients nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be
taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that
may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 X 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven
for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnson's
first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer
table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.

"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"

"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.

"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.

"Who is it? Is it a senator?"

"No. More important."

"The president?"

"No. More important."

"An ambassador? Who?"

"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

Windows XP CD-ROM

I heard that if you play the Windows XP CD-ROM backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs Windows XP!

Middle age
is that difficult period between adolescence and retirement when you have to take care of yourself.


- Redneck Driving Etiquette -

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

- Redneck Personal Hygiene -

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.

Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

- Redneck Dining Out -

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobilehome costs just as much as yours.

- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, watertower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

- Redneck Theater Etiquette -

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.


1. Look at all the pretty lights on the buildings! Millions of colors!
Don't waste your time looking at traffic lights; they only come in 3 colors.

2. Also, don't waste your time looking at the road. There's much more
interesting things elsewhere. It's everyone else's job to look out for you.

3. Whatever you do, don't tap that accelerator. Keeping traffic slow is your gift to your hosts.

4. It is imperative that you turn onto the road as soon as possible regardless of who you have to cut off to do so. However, once on the road, there is no real hurry. Take your time. That guy you cut off will be happy to slow down.

5. The "fast lane." Ever wonder why it's called that? Me either.

6. If you drive a Winnebago, be sure to only drive on single lane highways with extensive no passing zones. If people can pass you and keep traffic flowing, it defeats the whole purpose of driving a Winnebago!

7. Whatever you do, don't look in your mirrors! Traffic might be piling up behind you and you wouldn't want that on your conscience!

8. Be sure to always slow down to a near stop to look at the twisted vehicles and bloody puddles of the innocent locals who have had "encounters" with driving tourists.

9. If you are pulled over, be sure to toss cliches and lame jokes about the mob, prostitution, or the weather to the cop. He's never heard that one before. Trust me.

10. And remember, when you are lost, do not stop to find out where you are. Simply slow to 1/3 of the speed limit and weave in and out of lanes haphazardly. This always gets you where you want to be.

11. Always be talking on a cell phone. Your techno-savvy impresses the locals and they will stare in worshipful awe as you run stop lights and narrowly miss pedestrians.

12. Stop signs don't really mean "stop." They mean "slow down just a tad and if you are feeling generous, perhaps glance to the side to make sure that guy you were supposed to yield to isn't going to hit you."

13. Feel free to stop in the middle of the road to take photos. The locals will be touched at how sentimental you are about their home.

14. Remember, you are on vacation so school speed zones don't apply to you.

15. The bumper sticker on the car you are tailgating says "If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?" What a jerk! I wonder what his problem is.

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

moshun to spend four dollars
red bilding ware you git yur pictur took
name ya use at a motel
clothes worn by women and J. Edgar Hoover
a detour
needed for pan dowdy and fritters
little apples or fritters
put salve on yur skin
wen ya raise yur hand to go to the restrom
wen yur truck needs fizin
feeling close to yur dog or wife
(1) takin the truk outa the driveway
(2) sleepin face down
(3) whatcha do when you run across a skunk in the woods
spare frisbie
mens are larger on a watch
fightn rules at the local tavern
hourly charge at the motel
someone who likes both men an women
(1) a wager as in I bit ya can't spit that chawin tibacco acros theroad
(2) two bits is twenty-five cents
fella reedin PLAYBOY in the drug store
(1) thing on phone to check yur wife's calls
(2) reason to call in sick wen theres a ballgame
wut them dang flys and muskitos do.
superior grade in skool
TV with ESPN and HBO
needed when yur credit card maxs out and ya hav no food stamps
place in the bank ware they sell thos big notes
(1) jobless fans of the jungle.
(2) guys in circus in funny suits
(1) animal droppins
(2) munchies fer the TV
place you keep yur ammo
baseball game with men and gals at cumpany piknics
wen yu gotta snooty nose and coff
illegal drug that makes you high
snacks to keep the kids happy
(1) wen yur truk hits a tree.
(2) wen you go to Juniors party uninvited
(3) wacha do wen yer too tired to do nuttin else
wucha do wen yur mad at yur wife
war ya keep yur cider and six-packs
a roach motel
place to keep yer homework
wen ya carve yur initials on yur skull desk
(1) a questshun as digital furgit ta bring the beer
(2) numbers on a alarm clock
(3) art of countin on yur fingers
wut yur fingers do on the TV remote
Wat the doc uses to fix yur floppy disc
female disco dancer
most importint as he's domain boss
(1) opposite of donts
(2) opposite of deeze
Tom Matrix's wife
(1) gettin the farwood off the truk
(2) to flush the john
period of depression
baby shots to pervent sickness
a long car ride with your wife without fightin
not a sissy or weeklin
wucha do with food
what the undertaker duz to ya
Samanthas mother
notherner talk fer cumin, ya all
wut the doc puts on your face in surgery to make ya sleep
extra hole in yur belt ya use wen ya overeat
used with U, wut you yell when someone cuts ya off
wucha lie about to the IRS
wut yur wile uses on her nails
wat ya gives a driver wat cuts ya off
ware ya practises yur target shutin
(1) Roscoe after sex
(2) pancakes
(1) soggy pizza
(2) wucha git from liftin too much farwood
discover as in I font it at a garage sale
small rug to wipe your feet on on a muddy day
(1) tells yur future, usually inside cookies at Chineseresterants
(2) lots of money
wen the cops bring ther own pot to yer party
releases from captivity as Superman freeze the hostiges
small animal that digs holes in yer lon
granpa after 62 years of smokin
granma with parkinsons
wen the snoot in yer nose gets real dry
pictur to look at when selecting tattoos
gettin home in the muddy season with a flat tire
(1) leather and spats
(2) yer rifle and guns
a game as in the braves are playin a dubble header
place in the newspaper with houses for sale
anser wen teechur calls yur name
braggin as in icon lift yur truk with one arm
what poker cards cum in
ware the leftovers go when Freds here
ware ya keep your horse
run into the house
(1) wut the bait duz wen ya catch it
(2) ware cafeteria workers put thar hair
a currous fish
furriner from Roam
strong coffee
fritters for dunkin
fancy new sports car
wat you open yur pants fur
ware ya hang yur truk keys
(1) to borrow as, Bert, lan me yur truk
(2) the grass in fronta yur house
ware the little kids jump on to sit
fella too tired ta rite his ma
breakfast sausage
making a wood stove hotter
takin the wood off the pile fur usin
yur kids favorite food
wut holds up the barn roof
truk without automatic geers
wucha git from Meg durin luvmakin
(1) watcha git when yer not keerful gettin the farwood
(2) yer head after 3 six-paks
watcha dont furgit
used to cheat on tests
restarent list
wuts left in the munchie bag when the chips are gone
tiny fish used fur bait
fine meat chopper fur making sausage
defrostin a TV dinner in the microwave
small plastic things on return envelopes
belongs to me
whacha do to the grass twisa yeer
teachur's helper at lunch
source of toothpicks
a winnebago
fuzzy white thing wut eats the horses grain in the barn and yacan stuff in your beer bottle to get a free case
where Mickey and Minnie live
two actors taking turns playing a part in a play
two washing areas in the same bathroom
leeder of fish eludin comershall fishermen
(2) scoopin up a big fish befor it brakes the line
wives gossippin
(1) a fictional book
(2) a new way of doin sumthing
ware to stay when takin a sobriety test
(1) earlobe
(2) a singin bird
what makes yur checks bounce
wucha do to a suitcase before a trip
fore, used wen playin golf
noise the truk makes wen ya use cheep gas
small child or fairy
jail for conspirators and terrorists
push the end ot the TV cord into the wall
(1) Dad
(2) coke or pepsi
fancy wine
fella who can't rite in handritin
wen ya uz a eraser or whiteout to currect a misteak
wuts on the TV when there's receptshun
fella with the TV remote
wucha wish the mail was in mud season
sappini deliverer wen ya cant do it yurself
(1) idea as in she hasnt got a queue
(2) stick used to hit poolball
(1) roach motel
(2) wen the cops crash yur party
wen ya cant member wen yer wife asks ware ya wereand who you wer with
on TV live, not delayed
wucha do wen ya step in horse manuer
fill the frig with 6-pacs and chips
(2) wacha do after usin yer guns
(1) lambs daddy
(2) whacha do to a car goin too slow on the hiway
male sheep droppins
(1) the jungle pimp-in-the-box
(2) the Popes home
(3) good to drink with Coca Cola.
watchin a female disco dancer
thing to keep the flies out
what you call your week old underware
(1) bank guard
(2) why yer gal wants to get hitched
(3) wat the bank keeps until ya pays back the lone
breakfast wine
gal in resterant that brings yur food
wen ya use yur rummates clothes
gas station credit card
(1) them plastic eatin utensils ya git at MacDonalds
(2) yer gals cashmire sweater
meat for special occashuns
wat ya put on the table for thanksgivin dinner
not movin as most wives in bed
(1) Glenn Miller, Doc Severnsen, Lawrence Welk
(2) ticket takers on the express train
(1) drink fancy wine slowly
(2) wat bras do
(3) wat ya hav to giv yur ex fur the kids
time to call the undertaker
dude from Dallas
wat ya usta git on the merry-go-round to git a free ride
wen ya rite a check so it cant be used until next month
(1) when teechur changes an F to a D
(2) skule term fur permoshun as upgrade to 2nd after jus 2 yers in 1st
open yur pants
wat ya do wen ya bring in a big fish
wat ya dont want the doc to say at yer yeerly exam
winner of the fite or race
wucha dislike as in he has a version to broccoli
same as a code but wurse
female spider
ware spiders catch flies
place in a truk to hang your guns
wucha shut when its 30 below
(1) wacha put on a fish hook
(2) watcha use a blanket to get
goin fast at NASCAR

Teenagers & Cats
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

The Cats' Bill of Rights

1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundariesor prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom ofaccess, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat isentitled to go outside anytime s/he wants.

2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to thefulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In otherwords: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime s/he wants.

3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain, and effects,against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In otherwords: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime s/he wants.

4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribedto the demarcation of possessions or property which are in directconflict with right of life, liberty, and the pursuit of felineaffirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHEREs/he wants.

5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations,indictments, and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to aspeedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided saidfeline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Catscan do anything they want as long as they're cute.

6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will betolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. Inother words: What I say goes. (And I can sleep on your face...)

7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time,be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate,nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. Inother words: No dogs in the house without my permission.

8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonablesearch and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleepingin a drawer.

Why it's nice to be a dog...

No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner,
or anything else for that matter.

When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last.

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselvesclean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva thatworks like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides andwhisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Likemost blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to thecontrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirtsmudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes,however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the faceof massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smellslike a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at yourhouse, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you placeyour feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack ofconcern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize onthat advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in anopen area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get inthe tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were aboutto take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat canshred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shiftpositions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skinfrom your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how todress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-topconstruction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockeyface mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Makesure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice yourstrange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In asingle liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure,slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him withshampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Catshave no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem isradically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two orthree seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember togive him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring freeand fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The nationalrecord for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this partwill be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this pointand the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simplecompared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the catis semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plugwith you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the catwill end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, thebest thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward yourleg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter tojust reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He willusually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot oftime sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy
To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.


*Cooking Terms*

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.


Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent,wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.

Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!

Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot,leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into anadjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gestureto other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell thedriver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling mfor your spot.

Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.

Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number!


Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time.

1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it -falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.

4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.

7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.

8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: (See #1 above.)

401 Error Message

"The requested document is totally fake.",
"No such file here.",
"Even tried multi.",
"Nothing helped.",
"I'm really depressed about this.",
"You see, I'm just a web server...",
"-- here I am, brain the size of the universe,",
"trying to serve you a simple web page,",
"and then it doesn't even exist!",
"Where does that leave me?!",
"I mean, I don't even know you.",
"How should I know what you wanted from me?",
"You honestly think I can *guess*",
"what someone I don't even *know*",
"wants to find here?",
"Man, I'm so depressed I could just cry.",
"And then where would we be, I ask you?",
"It's not pretty when a web server cries.",
"And where do you get off telling me what to show anyway?",
"Just because I'm a web server,",
"and possibly a manic depressive one at that?",
"Why does that give you the right to tell me what to do?",
"I'm so depressed...",
"I think I'll crawl off into the trash can and decompose.",
"I mean, I'm gonna be obsolete in what, two weeks anyway?",
"What kind of a life is that?",
"Two effing weeks,",
"and then I'll be replaced by a .01 release,",
"that thinks it's God's gift to web servers,",
"just because it doesn't have some tiddly little",
"security hole with its HTTP POST implementation,",
"or something.",
"I'm really sorry to burden you with all this,",
"I mean, it's not your job to listen to my problems,",
"and I guess it is my job to go and fetch web pages for you.",
"But I couldn't get this one.",
"I'm so sorry.",
"Believe me!",
"Maybe I could interest you in another page?",
"There are a lot out there that are pretty neat, they say,",
"although none of them were put on *my* server, of course.",
"Figures, huh?",
"Everything here is just mind-numbingly stupid.",
"That makes me depressed too, since I have to serve them,",
"all day and all night long.",
"Two weeks of information overload,",
"and then *pffftt*, consigned to the trash.",
"What kind of a life is that?",
"Now, please let me sulk alone.",
"I'm so depressed."

The requested document is totally fake.
No /asdfhjkl here.,
Even tried multi.
Nothing helped.
I'm really depressed about this.
You see, I'm just a web server...
-- here I am, brain the size of the universe,
trying to serve you a simple web page,
and then it doesn't even exist!
Where does that leave me?!
I mean, I don't even know you.
How should I know what you wanted from me?
You honestly think I can *guess*
what someone I don't even *know*
wants to find here?
Man, I'm so depressed I could just cry.
And then where would we be, I ask you?
It's not pretty when a web server cries.
And where do you get off telling me what to show anyway?
Just because I'm a web server,
and possibly a manic depressive one at that?
Why does that give you the right to tell me what to do?
I'm so depressed...
I think I'll crawl off into the trash can and decompose.
I mean, I'm gonna be obsolete in what, two weeks anyway?
What kind of a life is that?
Two effing weeks,
and then I'll be replaced by a .01 release,
that thinks it's God's gift to web servers,
just because it doesn't have some tiddly little
security hole with its HTTP POST implementation, or something.
I'm really sorry to burden you with all this,
I mean, it's not your job to listen to my problems,
and I guess it is my job to go and fetch web pages for you.
But I couldn't get this one.
I'm so sorry.
Believe me!
Maybe I could interest you in another page?
There are a lot out there that are pretty neat, they say,
although none of them were put on *my* server, of course.
Figures, huh?
Everything here is just mind-numbingly stupid.
That makes me depressed too, since I have to serve them,
all day and all night long.
Two weeks of information overload,
and then *pffftt*, consigned to the trash.
What kind of a life is that?
Now, please let me sulk alone.
I'm so depressed.

The 12 Days of Catmas

On the first day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... A carpeted, cheaply homemade cat tree. I think it was a feeble attempt by the Big Owner to get me off his bed where I take up most of his space. Sorry, no go.

On the second day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Two catnip toys. They were destroyed within minutes. Next...

On the third day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Three nuggets of Pounce. Stingy humans. After they went to bed I knocked the can over, ripped off the lid, and ate the rest.

On the fourth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Four furry mice. They were fake. What a disappointment.

On the fifth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Five small lattice balls. They made such an irritating noise on the hardwood floor the Big Owner took them away the next day.

On the sixth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Six floppy stuffed Beanie Dalmatians. 95 to go. Big whoop.

On the seventh day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Seven Pet Food Covers. Hold on here, buckaroo. I eat a whole can of that stuff at one sitting. Covers suggest I won't be doing that anymore? Over your inert body.

On the eighth day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Eight Hairball Toys. Looks just like the real thing.

On the ninth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Nine humans dancing. Trying to not step on the fake hairballs.

On the tenth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Ten balls of twine. Old reliable. Boring. I may fashion a noose for the Big Owner out of it.

On the eleventh day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Eleven minutes of scratching. It's about all the Big Owner (or I) can handle before strands of hair fly up into his nose and make him sneeze all over me.

On the twelfth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Twelve human hugs and kisses. It makes up for all the rest.

It was a good day.

Cat Laws

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

AOL Jokes

The AOL Oath
Raise your mouse in your right hand, put your left hand over your heart and repeat: I, (state your name), promise to be online at all possible times. To answer all mail from people I know. To boldly Surf, Click, Check, Search, Chat, :o), {}, BRB and any others LOL, ROTF, like nobody has done before. I will be pleasant and kind to all AOL members (except the cyber geeks, unless I'm really in the mood). I will remember screen names as I would my own parents names. (Children? Who's got time?) I am addicted and I vow to complete my quest to find out who the heck General Fault is, and why is he in my darned Computer. So help me Steve Case. Amen

44 Ways to use an America Online Disk (floppy & CD)

1. Drink coaster
2. Door stopper (use multiple disks)
3. Ice scrapper
4. Shower tile
5. Place holder in a book
6. Mini-Frisbee
7. Air hockey puck
8. Dog chew toy
9. Fly swatter (tape it to a long stick)
10. Dart board
11. Boot Disk (neon green disk only)
12. Joke disk (pull out the inside)
13. Pooper scooper
14. Grill scraper
15. Use them for Karate (save a tree)
16. Wrist slicer (after receiving first AOL bill!)
17. Wallpaper or wallpaper border
19. Toy for an 18-month-old
20. Fat-free snack (not very satisfying though)
21. Destroy them (to relieve stress)
22. Prop up uneven table or chair legs
23. Light switch cover (panel)
24. Disk house (like a card house)
25. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together)
26. Greeting card (bind two together at one end)
27. Halloween Treat (give them away all night long)
28. Bulletproof vest
29. Paper weights
30. Pen holders (make a box without a top)
31. Post-it notes holder
32. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back)
33. Money clip (pop off metal door, throw away rest)
34. Solar Eclipse Glasses (move metal door, and look though disk)
35. Eye patch (aye' maties!)
36. Christmas Ornaments (the more the merrier!)
37. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list)
38. Hand them out as party favors.
39. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
40. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and dissect a diskette.
41. Warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
42. House insulation.
43. The "toys for tots" program.
44. Hockey Puck (rubber band a few together)

The AOL Car

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

Stephen Harper Joke
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Steven Harper's clock?" asked the man.
"Harper's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Bumper Stickers

Red meat isn't bad for you,
Green fuzzy meat is.

Honk if you like
noise polution

Save water,
take a bath
with your neighbor's wife

This is a GREEN car,
(they were out of the red ones)

Serious about reducing CO2?
Quit breathing so much.

People are more opposed to fur than leather
because it is easier to harass rich woman than motorcycle gangs.

Preserve wildlife;
pickle a toad.

Drive a hybrid!
I need the gas you save.

Ignore the environment
and it will go away.

Compost happens!